Parenting

Our lesson time started by remembering Alyvia, a classmate and friend to three of you. We discussed her death and talked through the emotions that have surfaced. We reminded you that as you grieve the loss of a friend, you are supported by God, your families, your Youth group, your church, and a whole community that is grieving with you.

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The rest of the lesson time was spent on three questions – what advice would you give your parents, what’s something your parents do that you really like, and what’s something your parents do that you dislike?

You came armed and prepared for this one – I could hardly write fast enough to capture all your constructive criticism!

I’ve specifically requested that your parents read this blog post. So parents, brace yourselves! (Of course your Youth said you were perfect, but the other Youths’ suggestions for their parents may still apply…)

THINGS MY PARENTS DO THAT I LIKE

• one on one time spent with me
• make me cinnamon roll pancakes
• take me camping
• watching TV together as a family
• fill my gas tank
• going out to eat together
• always there for me
• helps me
• makes great fish
• they give me space / alone time
• they don’t overpressure me

THINGS MY PARENTS DO THAT I DISLIKE

• pressure me about my grades
• over protective
• when they won’t stop teasing me
• when they argue with me or each other
• always bugging me about my room (and theirs is just as messy)
• try to solve a problem I bring up rather than just listening to me
• they add their own stories / experience, give my experience validity first
• they try to help with homework, but can’t, or do it differently than I’m being taught
• when they try to change my mood
• when they try to act cool
• assume any friend of the opposite sex is a love interest – they can just be friends
• trying to coach me in a sport they have never done
• they make me talk to them about stuff I know they can’t understand
• don’t ask me to do something I’m already willing to do, if you do, then I won’t do it
• sometimes just your presence is irritating (ouch…)
• when they are upset at others and drag me into it by telling me about it
• hover parenting
• when they constantly ask “what are you doing?”
• too much talk about college and career plans
• asking me too many things all at once
• getting defensive about the small things, assuming it’ll turn into bigger things
• not allowing me to shut my door
• pressuring me to talk to other classmates or teachers when we see them in public
• trying to talk to me in the morning
• commenting about my performance when you weren’t even at the event

ADVICE I WOULD GIVE MY PARENTS

• Ask for, then use my opinion
• Allow me more independence
• Trust me more, verifying isn’t trusting me
• Realize I’m a teenager and need privacy / space
• Don’t act cool, or otherwise intentionally embarrass me
• When you are nicer to my friends than me, it makes me mad
• I know you know more than me, but I’m still going to test you, explore other options
• I feel enough pressure about school, you don’t have to add more
• Don’t assume I can’t do things, let me try, or show me how
• Pay attention to my interests
• Commenting on my clothes won’t change my wardrobe, its not you I’m dressing for
• Don’t criticize others in front of me
• Don’t lecture me on stuff I’ve never done or ever will do
• Don’t compare me to others
• Stop talking about your work and personal issues
• I know to “be polite” and to “be safe” you don’t have to keep telling me

At the end, you recognized that the negative list was much longer than the positive list. You also recognized that overall, your parents are great and do many things well. Its just easier to vent than compliment.

From the above lists and from conversations I’ve had with you over the past several years, I’ve come up with a letter that compiles what I’ve heard you say – often reading between the lines. If I had to interpret everything you’ve told me, it would sound like this.

Dear Mom and Dad,

You’re doing great a great job as my parents – thank you.  From my perspective, here are some suggestions on how to strengthen our relationship even more: 

Please don’t try to be my friend, coach, or matchmaker.   I need you to focus on being my parent.   Also, I am not your friend or counselor – please don’t talk to me about work or personal issues. 

I recognize you have more wisdom and experience than I do regarding nearly everything, but I am smart and often know more than you give me credit for.  Ask what I know about a topic prior to lecturing me about something I may already know.  You and others have taught me a lot – acknowledge that and build upon it.  If you try to re-teach me something, I’ll shut down.  If you add to my knowledge, I’ll listen.       

I need privacy and time alone.  I need time alone not because I’m trying to hide something or do anything wrong – I simply need to be alone to process everything going on.  I’m starting to lock-in on who I am and who I want to be – that takes time and it’s something I largely need to figure out on my own.   

I’m XX years old now.  Please recognize my age and maturity.  I’m not super mature, but I am maturing quickly.  Don’t hold the dumb things I did years ago against me – I’ve grown a lot since then.  Other parents would trust me to take care of their children – you can trust me to take care of myself more. 

I don’t mind boundaries; in fact I appreciate them – just be clear on what they are.  And ideally, involve me in setting them.  I know what’s fair and I expect to be held accountable.    

I have little patience or tolerance for a lot of advice or suggestions from you right now – so limit them to what’s really important.  Consider ignoring my ripped jeans and messy room and focus instead on life advice.  I’m only going to be in your home a few more years – it’s time to focus on high level stuff now.   

I have thoughts and insights to offer our family – ask me about things.  But please don’t ask for my opinion if you aren’t going to seriously consider it – I’d rather not be asked than to be dismissed. 

Recognize me as a unique person.  I’m not just your kid, I’m my own person.  Please don’t compare me to you, my siblings, or other kids – that’s really hurtful.  Pay attention to my interests, find out what motivates me, find out who I am and support me – not who you thought I would be. 

Most of all, please respect me.  I know you love me, but I often don’t feel respected by you. 

Thank you for considering my suggestions.  I know parenting me is challenging, so I am open to suggestions you have for me as well.  I’m beginning to learn how adult relationships work – help me learn that now, because if you don’t teach me, others will. 

I love you,

Your teenager  

I doubt you’ll write a letter like that to your parents, so I just did for you. They are reading this post too. Use it as a conversation starter – what do you agree with, disagree with? You’re a young adult, start an adult conversation with your parents about one to two items you’d like to improve upon together.

Thanks for your candor – I think this lesson will prove useful.